


Thinking About Life, Thinking About Death

by Goodbye Moonlight (WiggleWorm)



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5 Things, 5 Times, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steves pov, bucky feels like he has to protect steve but steve wants to be his own man, in not gonna lie, its kinda sad but you know... sorry/not sorry, maybe ooc prob, mentions of dying/death, sorry if this reads weird :P, this gets a little dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-11 02:43:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16467179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiggleWorm/pseuds/Goodbye%20Moonlight
Summary: 5 times Bucky and Steve talked about dying + the 1 time one of them did die





	Thinking About Life, Thinking About Death

**Author's Note:**

> does contain infinity war spoilers, so if ur avoiding that or just ignoring infinity war in general then just skip the plus one, the rest doesnt have anything to do with it :0
> 
> i might come back later and fix some stuff if i ever get to it, we'll just have to see
> 
> kinda betaed
> 
> -!I do not own Marvel nor any of the characters used in this work!-

 

1.

 

It was a chrisp cold Sunday morning when it all started. Steve had been feeling ill all week and Bucky had refused to leave his side. Steve had finally started feeling better, but knew he couldn’t leave yet, so he had asked to look out the window, leading to the two of them, sitting side by side, gazing out the window, the two of them looking in opposite directions. 

While Steve was looking at the children running around outside, Bucky seemed to be looking at the sky, as if he were in a daze, lost in his thoughts.

Eventually, the other spoke up, saying, “Hey Steve?”

“Yah, Bucky?” Steve replied, looking away from the window they were staring out of, and looking over to his friend.

“What do you think happens when you die?”

Steve sat for a moment, he didn’t know what to say to that, and really, how could he? One moment they were looking out the window, him watching the other kids run around outside while Steve wished that he could too, then the next moment his best friend was asking him about dying? What was the deal?

“I dunno Buck… Why?” 

“That girl down the street got real sick last week. My mom said that she almost died, and it got me thinking, you’re always getting sick… What if you died?” Bucky, who had been looking out the window the whole time, looked up at Steve. He could see the unshed tears in his friends eyes that threatened to spill, that he was holding back. “What would I do? Would you be okay?”

Steve could feel it, the soft tugs on his heartstrings, how they gradually grew stronger the more Bucky spoke, his tone distraught yet lost as he looked to Steve for answers. 

Steve swallows hard around the lump growing in his throat and says, “ ‘S alright Buck, ’m not goin’ anywhere.”

 

2.

 

The second time always brought chills down steve’s spine, and, still, he would sometimes lay awake thinking about it. 

Bucky had found Steve laying alone in an old grimy alleyway, unconscious, and covered in bruises. When Steve had awoken, he had tried to jump up and leave, likely to go fight the same guy again, but had fallen back in the bed he had woken up in in his and Bucky’s shared flat, pain erupting throughout his sore bones and bruises, his muscles burned in protest. 

“Hey bud, how you feelin’?” Bucky’s smooth voice could be heard beside him, but he couldn’t tell how far he was.

Steve cracked an eye open, trying to take in his surroundings, but the world felt too bright, too loud. “M’ fine.” 

Steve could hear the soft sigh that the other let out, and honestly, he was kind of offended by it. Did Bucky _ still _ not think he could handle himself? That he could take  _ care _ of himself?

“Steve we need ta’ talk about this.” 

“We have the same talk everytime this happens, Buck, and my answer isn’t going to change one bit.” As if you could even call them that, their talks usually consisted more or Steve’s bull headed stubbornness and Bucky mother henning over him. 

Even if Steve  _ was _ still drowsy, he would still put up a fight, even if that fight was just an argument about fighting, of all things. 

_ “Steve-” _

_ “Bucky.” _

“Steve, you  _ know  _ you’ve gotta stop it with these fights!”

“You know I can’t do that, Bucky! Those guys need to be knocked down a peg, and if I have to be the one to do it then fine.” By this point he had gotten himself into a sitting position and was now face-to-face with his other.

“Steve-”

“Buck, You know no one else is gonna try, no one is even gonna bat an eye, so why can’t I?” Steve was fuming, he knew Bucky meant well, but it felt like an insult all the same, his pride was wounded.

Steve had just got in a fight against a man twice his size because he couldn’t help himself. He had gotten in a fight with someone over three times his strength because he couldn’t accept the fact that he couldn’t fix the problems in the world. He couldn’t accept that he couldn’t be the one to fix everything wrong in life.

“Steve, I…” Bucky stared him in the eyes, his face nearly unreadable to the one person who could always tell what he was thinking just by the tilt of his eye brows alone. The only thing Steve could find in his gaze was fear, but he could tell, he could  _ feel _ , that there was much more than that below the surface. “Steve… I don’t know what I would do if you ever got _ really _ hurt.”

“Buck, I-” He tried to cut him off, but it didn’t work,

“No, no I get it, you gotta help and all, but Steve, this isn’t the way to go about it. You could be so much more, so much better than them. You don’t  _ have _ to do this, you don’t  _ have _ to fight them!” 

Bucky stared him in the eyes, his posture sagging, tired and worn, then said, “I can’t lose you you punk…” he got up to leave, grabbing is coat and keys. “I have to go to work, but just… Just think about it? Alright?” he gave a sad smile, and left Steve alone, feeling cold and hollow.

 

3.

 

It had been nearly three days since they got back to camp after freeing the 107th from one of the prison camps, and everyone was finally getting the medical attention that they needed. Well… almost everyone.

“You could’a died Buck…” Steve had been trying to guid the other to the medical tent for the past half hour, but was having no luck.

“But I  _ didn’t _ . ‘M fine Steve, really I am.”

Steve knew that Bucky was lying, they could always tell when the other was, but Steve also knew that Bucky didn’t want to talk about what happened, so he let it slide, after all, they could always talk about it later when it wasn’t as fresh of a wound.

“At least let me bring you to medical, then? Get you patched up,” Steve smiled and pat his friend on the shoulder, “then you can get back to makin’ a fool of yourself in front of everyone.”

Bucky smirked in response and nodded, “A’ight, lead the way,  _ Captain America _ ”

If either of them had caught the hypocritical sense of the argument, neither of them mentioned it. 

  
4. 

 

The Howling Commandos  were on the side of a mountain, closely watching and waiting for the train that they had to board. They only had a ten second window to get on, and if they missed it they likely wouldn’t survive. They readied the line, then got in position as they awaited the trains approach.

“You ready?” Steve asked, talking to Bucky quietly, scoping out the ground below.

“As i’ll ever be.” Bucky looked up at his friend, and laughed, “If we die imma kick your ass.” 

Steve nearly choked on his laughter, “Oh you are now? What happened to  _ no more fighting _ ?”

“Why you little-!” 

They were both barking with laughter now, lightly shoving each other and shooting jokes and remarks back and forth.

“You’re still a little punk, you know that?”

“And you’re still a big jerk.”

Quietly, Bucky bumped their shoulders together and said, “I’m your jerk.”

 

 

5.

 

The sun was setting, the goats were fed for the night, Steve and Bucky had just gone back inside after finishing all the chores for the small farm. 

They had been sitting in silence eating dinner for the better part of an hour, when Bucky spoke, saying, “I think when I die i want to come back as something that can fly.”

The topic hadn’t surprised him per se, as of late, Bucky had began to say everything that he thought of, whether it be important, funny, kind, sad, or just stupid. When asked about why he did it, he would just shrug and say, “Why not?”

Steve looked at him from the corner of his eye, “Why is that?”

“I wanna see the world, we never got the chance to travel like we had planned.”

They never did, did they? He’ll have to make a plan for it when Bucky is ready. “What do you think you’ll come back as?” Steve asked, “Anything in particular you want to be?”

“I dunno… Maybe a bird.” then he nodded, “Yeah, i’ll be a bird.”

“Then i’ll have to be a bird with you, won’t I?”

“‘Till the end of the line.”

 

\+ 1

 

There was a loud deafening  _ snap _ that rang through the forest, causing everyone to practically freeze in place. It was as if time had slowed down to a crawl while they awaited the inevitable results of that noise.

Then he hear Bucky call his name.

_ “Steve?” _

Steve turned to look, the feeling of ice in his soul at the idea of what might happen, but when he saw his friend, he saw that he was…  _ disintegrating? Turning into dust? _

Bucky fell, his legs disappearing from under him, and puffed into a cloud of smokey ash when he touched the ground, leaving behind only his ashes.

All Steve could do was rush over. He couldn’t do  _ anything _ . He kneeled down and traced the ground with his hand, his mind racing, his throat protesting words. He stood and looked around, not knowing what to do, then softly said:

_ “Oh god.” _

 

**Author's Note:**

> i could NOT find a good vid on youtube of bucky dying so i just tried my best to remember what steves reaction to everything was, if you could find the whole scene that continues after he dusts and give it to me, that'd be great ;-;


End file.
